You are everything I have ever wanted and I love you with all my heart. Nobody will ever do for me what you do, but you have no idea how much what happened hurt and still hurts. You are my favorite and my love, I just need time to heal.

A few months ago, I did irreparable damage. I originally wrote a mistake, but what I did warrants a much larger definition. I didn’t let the cats lay on his gray v-neck before we went out for dinner. I didn’t scream “fuck you” after a fight and expect him to apologize. I didn’t spill nail polish over his bed comforter.

Instead, I broke his trust completely. Because we know that if I want to fuck up a good thing, I’m going to fuck up a good thing. I hurt him beyond words and I know that if the tables were turned and he had done it to me, I would not be nearly as patient as he has been. I am completely undeserving of his forgiveness, although he has given it to me. I have never felt so stupid, so selfish, so low in my entire life.

Just remember that I keep my word. I will be back. I have never lied to you and I don’t plan on starting.

Friday morning, he said he needed a break. He has trouble looking at me sometimes without feeling intense anger and hate for what I did and he wants to start our relationship happy and healthy. We need to trust each other from the start. We need to be able to call each other and leave a voice mail without vomit rising in the back of our throats. We need to erase all worry and fear and guilt. Those are not things that belong in a healthy, functioning relationship. Especially if you’re hoping this relationship lasts forever because it just feels so right.

I was a complete mess Friday. I mean, a wreck. I was sent home early from work where I laid in bed and cried and cried and cried. I begged him to come back, to give me a time on this break, to please just talk to me. That pain . . . that pain was equal to the pain I felt over my first heartbreak. I was sixteen and miserable, spending an entire weekend crying my eyes out and checking my phone. The difference though is that I know he loves me and he is going to come back.

Actually . . . I don’t even like the way that sounds. Like he’s abandoned me, because that’s not it. Maybe we both needed this. We both needed to step back and miss each other and breathe and deal with our insecurities and fears before we can make our relationship stronger and make it last. It’s not that I’m sitting here, in a puddle of my own tears, waiting for him to come back so I can have a boyfriend again. This is time for me to really think about what this relationship means to me and how it has made every dream I’ve ever had better. And, as sadistic as it sounds, to really let the gravity of what I’ve done sink in. I need to feel remorseful and guilty for the stupid, meaningless thing I did. When I’m with him, I’m able to block it out, forget it happened because we were still together. It was a relief. But neither one of us had a chance to step back and think about it, to see if we could really get over it. This is that time.

I can’t listen to the radio. I can’t watch TV. It all reminds me of you.

Saturday morning, I woke up so depressed. He wasn’t talking to me or texting me. It didn’t feel like he even missed me. I had to let him know that the ignoring me and not talking to me was doing more damage than talking to me would. I miss him. I want to talk to him and tell him about my day. I want to hear what he’s doing after work or how his dad did at the drag race. It’s impossible for me to cut off communication with him. That really does make me feel abandoned and it was giving me a giant complex that he really wanted to just end the relationship completely, but was trying to let me down easy.

You’re the only girl I want, Sam. You’re the only girl I see. Where else would I go?

It took a while, but today? I believe him. I believe that he still loves me and that he misses me and wants me. I believe that this is going to make everything better and put us back into the relationship we had before I broke his trust and shattered his security. I believe that we are meant to be, that there is no other way this love story can go. So I’m going to let it go and feel sad and miss him, but know that this isn’t the end. We’ve got an entire journey left and we can’t start it in a bad place.

I miss you. It’s starting to be a physical pain in my chest. I miss you.

Ditto, honey.

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