I love birthdays. I especially love my own birthday, but that’s not the point. Wait . . . yes it is. I’m sorry. I just ate my weight in fatty, delicious, dripping in Mexican quesadillas during KIDS’ KARAOKE NIGHT so excuse me if I’m distracted by the clots of blood falling out of my ears as I replay that little kid singing “Drop It Like It’s Hot”. I know, I know.

Where was I? I looove birthdays. Did you know I share a birthday with Tom Hanks, Courtney Love and OJ Simpson? Is there a better reason to get balloons, people? NO. So howsa ’bout a good ol’ dashy dash dash recap?

- Thuuuursday, I made cupcakes with my mama and David gave me my first present. A really awesome vanity mirror that flips to reveal a 5x magnifying mirror on one side and a regular on the other. It also has fiiiiive light settings which is SO HOLLYWOOD DO NOT MOCK MY FANCY MIRROR.

- Friday, I spent the day lounging around, watching the “I Love Lucy” episode “Lucy’s Last Birthday” and stuffing my face. My hot date arrived when he got off work and he took me to Joe’s Crab Shack where I continued to stuff my face with crab legs, clams, sausage and corn before putzing around in Barnes & Noble and then to AMC to see Toy Story 3. And if possible, I cried even harder than the first time and go ahead and ask that hunk of mine if he cried. Go ahead. ASK! (He’ll lie, fyi. So I’ll just tell you that YES HE CRIED. But shhhh . . . )

- Saturday (*Elton John voice* SATTADAY, SATTADAY!), I woke up and went shopping with my mama. Do you KNOW how long it’s been since I went shopping with my mama? To Italy and back. On foot. With no water. That’s how long. We hit up Kohl’s (where I scored an awesome scarf and a fedora in the men’s department which means I have an enormous head because it fit and it looks so cute and I SWEAR I will wear it), lunch at Chili’s (where we ate so much, we literally had to lumber into Target while grunting), shopping at Target and then shopping at Wal*Mart where I bought Emily Giffin’s newest novel Heart of the Matter which I can NOT put down. Also at Wal*Mart was a pair of heels for SEVEN DOLLARS that I wanted, mainly because they were SEVEN DOLLARS, but there was only ONE size 8 in that particular heel, uhhh. Anyway. I would also like the jury to know that we only went to stores where mi madre has a credit card and I think that’s how all shopping should be, amen.

Oh! Random, but at Kohl’s I fell in LOVE with a pair of shoes.

Internet, meet Shoes:

I’m making myself wait to buy them, but oh my God, they are incredible. I was drooling over them. Slobber trailing behind me as I walked up and down the aisles, elderly customers slipping in my saliva as they shopped for matching dishtowels. I also saw Fiestaware live and in person and could someone please buy me the entire set in all of the colors? It’s 1953 and I want my own china DAMNIT.

- Saturday early evening, David and I ended up going BACK to Target where I fell in love with a little lacy vest and a green shirt with buttons that I bought for dancing that night. I also fell in love with a pair of little brown pumps that were randomly thrown in a box they did not belong in and there were no others like them. I’m pretty sure Rod Serling has an excess inventory of shoes that he is using to fuck with me and I blame him for Wal*Mart’s shoe blasphemy as WELL.

- Saturday night, David and I headed up to Fado’s in Buckhead to dance the night away with my enormous birthday party! Enormous as in . . . two people showed up. Grace and my friend Dave from Sketchworks. Regardless, we had an amazing time, dancing our asses off until we had sweated out every drop of alcohol. And in one stunning crescendo of grace, I slipped in a puddle of . . . something . . . on the dance floor and as I envisioned myself cracking both knees on the floor, somebody grabbed me from behind and pulled me up. I turned around and it was David, who had just come downstairs from smoking. Dudes. Like a freaking MOVIE.

- Sunday morning! Woke up, did a whole lotta nothin’ until we decided to go get his dad’s ice cream machine and shopping at Tanger Outlet. Or as my mother calls it Tangir. Anyway, they have a Charlotte Russe outlet there where I stocked up on four new shirts and David bought me two new pairs of jeans. I also had to beat off several man-hungry size zero bleach blonds in there who were staring at David like he was a piece of meat or my gay best friend as he carried my clothes for me through the racks. Which one is worth more? A hunk or a gay best friend? Discuss.

- Sunday afternoooooon, we had my family birthday at the house! Chicken curry, homemade strawberry ice cream and mocha chocolate cake! Mama surprised me with balloons and I got family gifts! Jamie gave me three gorgeous pairs of earrings, Tyler gave me a box of Ferrero Rocher chocolates and Inglourious Basterds on DVD and Ashley, Tyler’s girlfriend and the future mother of all of my future chubby, bowlegged, red-headed nieces and nephews (HEY. I can dream.), gave me a gift bag full of flip flops, scarves, a new notebook and an adorable little make-up bag.

- Sunday night? WHY, that was my debut on the ol’ TELEVISION SCREEN. Yes. I was on an episode of “Drop Dead Diva” which I filmed back in April (and deserves a proper entry I will post very soon) as a non-speaking defendant arguing with Rosie O’Donnell as the judge. It was an amazing experience, my best one ever and the support I’ve gotten from everyone for a little non-speaking role? So amazing. I’m getting Facebook posts from people I haven’t seen since I graduated and text messages from girls I was in plays with many, many moons ago telling me to keep trucking. . . . except they didn’t say trucking because they are not retarded like me. But anyway, my family was very excited that I didn’t get cut out of the scene (like last time I told everyone to watch me on television) and although I was so nervous I thought I was going to puke, it was pretty fucking cool to see myself acting. So there.

Here’s my episode and I’m in there pretty quickly. I’m “Miss Davenport”, the eye-rolling graffiti artist that Judge Rosie sentences to a detention center. DON’T BLINK. You might miss me.

All joking aside, I’m really, really fucking excited about this.

- Monday! We literally did nothing productive. Except I watched David change his oil. And watched him make sausage gravy and biscuits which means I’ll keep him. And then we watched Inglourious Basterds. And then he watched me run into Ingle’s to get stuff for Girlscout Stew and then I watched him make it. And then we watched “Pawn Stars” and are you annoyed yet, ’cause the theme Monday was definitely watching.

And today? Ohhh today was hard. It was hard to get back to work and the shitty eating I did all weekend took its toll on my body this morning. I was nauseous, battling an enormous headache and moving SO slow, feeling so exhausted. But after getting hydrated and eating MORE shit at work and for dinner, I seem to have made my illness disappear! But tomorrow, I swear. Tomorrow starts my back on “healthy eating track” and saving money by taking a damn lunch to work. I’ve got to be determined like I was the first time I lost all that weight because I’ve gained back nearly ten pounds and that’s not good for anybody. But especially me. ‘Cause this is about me. And don’t you people forget it.

And I’m so sorry I wrote so much. I’m so, so sorry.

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